RENEWAL VOW - January 26, 2018
Lately, I was tested by the Almighty Allah SWT I must go on walking forward. It seemed that I have been lost in the deep of dense forest. Some months ago I was making a blunder, by requesting help from my nieces and the reaction was negative. Then I have the feeling that I have been an unaccepted person, I became a personna non grata.I was afraid also that I would be a castaway.How I can make use of all the faculties I have simultaneously.
Wednesday, 28th May 2014.
Today, I feel down, I have failed to make self enforcing discipline in life. I do want to be normal as an individual, as a normal person living in a society. Last few days I have been covered up with boredom, I feel grim, fed up, worried, and I really feel despondent. I am really in the bottom of existence, I don't have money, anything for being survive. At the end of my life, I am in very bad mood, I am disheartened. I can't do anything now, just to stay up, and try to find out the things that still in my possession and do what I am supposed to do. I may not be able to show grace and glory in this life, but I will be able to make comfortable myself as a whole. Let everybody look down on me, but I must comfort myself as best possible, I just want not hurting myself, and it is important to make myself active.
I will resign from my own folks, I will live like an old monkey in the forest, I imagine myself using all my faculties to support each other, so to self protect from any malfortune, and from all tragedy in life. I wish I can go on safe and sound until the end of world.
It is already two days, I feel really succumb, no spirit in life. I am afraid that this will be a bad incidence for my future. I realize this is my fate, I know. I remember that when I was young, I was awashed in luxury, that all must be paid now, I was so lucky. All these lucky fates were with me until two years ago, but I could never do the right things though lucks had always come to me. And if now must pay all off, I sincerely will do it, honestly I accept my destiny. I close all my yesterday with all dreams that were with me, and now I live in reality, and in fact the reality is now empty, the severe problem of mine is that now I am pennyless. I don't have any resources for my further living. The worse that now I am afraid to show myself up before my folks.
There is news on SCTV showing an elderly, 99 years, having succeeded in her study, 99 years, she gets graduated, it is really an inspirator for me. I wish I could follow her.
But now I am pennyless. I feel I am not wanted to come to any kins, they will look down on me, and think that I am a vagabond. I must behave even more better in the place where now I am landed, the people there also seem unhappy with what they have decided in accepting me in their house. I know they disappoint, they feel regret. Just only now, I realize that life needs money, an elderly ususally she/he has a good amount of money on he/his own disposal to get him/her to be protected, or she/he has children of his/her own who can provide for him/her all the necessities.
Because now I am penniless, an elderly is supposed to have enough money for keeping herself/himself to get honour being an elderly. I can't do anything, except to behave more better and better. I have still energy to do things manually, and all my faculties are still in my possession, my brain is still working, my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my palate, my skin, my arms as well as my legs are still well performing. I am very thankful, even I don't have money, I hope, I will be able to get through this life, and I will not be an unacceptable person anymore.
Watching TV, SCTV regarding an elderly of 99 years' old, I really admired her, but I don't dare say that I could be like that, spending time for learning something ? Living such a long time with the present condition, in the condition of totally broke, not only that I don't have neither money nor love.
June 1, 2014
I allow myself be free today, because it is Sunday, now. I hope this time is the last time I do on my own will. Starting tomorrow, Monday, June 2, 2014 I must reorganize my life better with hope and wishes. My faith is a rather diminishing. I don't know, wishing gives no more much hope for me, but I will keep on regularizing my own life. I am sorry, I want to accept this life as it is, but it is really very hard for me. These 2 weeks time of May 2014, I hada spoiled myself with laziness. But this condition is not good at all for me, I feel very scarry. I hope I can stop all these now, I want to live normally.
After so many days I only prayed and prayed and beg God to bestowed in physic for my requirement to pay debt, I was waiting and waiting, but in vain. That condition made me discouraged, despair and nearly lost my faith. Without faith I could not maintain good way of living. Yesterday, I was inspired to ask directly to one of my kins, it seemed I got positive reaction, and now, I still wait for the reality.
And... the reality is very nasty.... I am still full of hope, nothing will happen. Ok, I must go on walking, one thing may I have to keep with me, that is shame feeling, I am really sorry my sweet Asih that I failed to return your money, really, I dare not to show up to the folks, it is very embarrasing. I hope I can rectify my whole life now. I will organize all my routine activities, in the morning I go jogging as long as possible. The reason is because I am now totally powerless, I am poor, but I am happy.
Now I must live down-to-earth, The only think I can do now is be positive. I am pennless, how can I live then. When I was back home fom Bandung, I gave all my money to Nurul for enlightening her burden that moment. And since then my bank account was so minimum, I don't have money anymore. I decided to help the landlord in preparing meals for the family. Just very little this help, but I must do it for my own sake. Before my trip to Bandung, I always had my pocket money, that can be spended for daily provisions, though it is only a small part of their requirements. But it's the best way I can do for them now.
Today is Friday, June 6, 2014. To respect the day of Friday, I have indulged myself for about 2 weeks that erratic attitude toward deity services to Allah SWT. I have the intention of stop all these tonight and e beginning this day, I have the intention to do all these correctly and regularly. I surrender my self.
Today, June 7, 2014 I got surprise from Etty. Elle viens de me voir ici. She is my sweet niece, but I don't think to go back to Mas Bintoro family, I am so sorry my beloved bro. For my own sake, it would not be wise enough to go back to them. I appreciate very much what they have been doing to me, and their I wish I will always pray for their prosperous life. I prefer to be here always, and I will use up my mental and physical power here. She gave some money for buying pulsa she said, and I thank her very much. I will keep this money for paying my debt to Asih, I hope I will get some next time, to make this debt paid off.
ope
On June 6, I confessed that I was so negligence in leading my own life, especially in regularizing my routine action, my daily activities. I wish I could start today to put things in order.
I am leading my life as best possible here, I hope, all my faculty do things positively for the benefit of my own. I am so depressed.
July 25, 2014
The first semester of this year passed under some turbulence in my own inner side. I was not allowed to dream, dreaming took me noway and brought nothing in reality, but despair and grim. Praying and went away from life would bring no good at all. To keep in touch with other people seems to be a must, how to make use of all potency's I have will be better. May be I don't have money, it will not matter, I have in my possession of all faculties, I am sound, I can do almost everything by myself, so there will be nothing bad for me.
July 30,2014
This is the moment of Lebaran, I realise that I must comfort myself and try to walk on alone. Since I am not married, so who will care of my existence ? Lebaran this year was on Monday, 28th July 2014. My nephew and his wife & children were out of town (mudik). I did go along with them, because I don't have money, I was nearly unable to pay zakat for my self, and must be ashamed because I could not return the money I owed from Asih, thank God, my sweet niece supplied money to me, so I could pay the debt, and also pay my zakat, it was really making me happy. As I think I will finish, my money is already up, I have nothing, how can I live on ? So far, I only force myself to do something in this house, not so meaningful, so I surrender, I will do my best to make myself useful here, if they don't want me, so what can I do, I can not rotate back to my young life, que sera sera .....
Today, August 9, 2014. in fact I am unacceptable by this now world, but I must keep on being though and patient, shall I go away? Where to?
August 11, 2014,
You must live though and happier, be realistic and enjoy the life to the full
I decided to continue this post, while watching KARMA at ANTV. could take benefit of thie KARMA a lot of. I saw the are so many persons having badluck in life. I felt so disheartened.
Today I tried so many time to login to cimb clicks, I just wonder there must be technical disorder with thia internet banking, I failed to login.
Wednesday, 28th May 2014.
Today, I feel down, I have failed to make self enforcing discipline in life. I do want to be normal as an individual, as a normal person living in a society. Last few days I have been covered up with boredom, I feel grim, fed up, worried, and I really feel despondent. I am really in the bottom of existence, I don't have money, anything for being survive. At the end of my life, I am in very bad mood, I am disheartened. I can't do anything now, just to stay up, and try to find out the things that still in my possession and do what I am supposed to do. I may not be able to show grace and glory in this life, but I will be able to make comfortable myself as a whole. Let everybody look down on me, but I must comfort myself as best possible, I just want not hurting myself, and it is important to make myself active.
I will resign from my own folks, I will live like an old monkey in the forest, I imagine myself using all my faculties to support each other, so to self protect from any malfortune, and from all tragedy in life. I wish I can go on safe and sound until the end of world.
It is already two days, I feel really succumb, no spirit in life. I am afraid that this will be a bad incidence for my future. I realize this is my fate, I know. I remember that when I was young, I was awashed in luxury, that all must be paid now, I was so lucky. All these lucky fates were with me until two years ago, but I could never do the right things though lucks had always come to me. And if now must pay all off, I sincerely will do it, honestly I accept my destiny. I close all my yesterday with all dreams that were with me, and now I live in reality, and in fact the reality is now empty, the severe problem of mine is that now I am pennyless. I don't have any resources for my further living. The worse that now I am afraid to show myself up before my folks.
There is news on SCTV showing an elderly, 99 years, having succeeded in her study, 99 years, she gets graduated, it is really an inspirator for me. I wish I could follow her.
But now I am pennyless. I feel I am not wanted to come to any kins, they will look down on me, and think that I am a vagabond. I must behave even more better in the place where now I am landed, the people there also seem unhappy with what they have decided in accepting me in their house. I know they disappoint, they feel regret. Just only now, I realize that life needs money, an elderly ususally she/he has a good amount of money on he/his own disposal to get him/her to be protected, or she/he has children of his/her own who can provide for him/her all the necessities.
Because now I am penniless, an elderly is supposed to have enough money for keeping herself/himself to get honour being an elderly. I can't do anything, except to behave more better and better. I have still energy to do things manually, and all my faculties are still in my possession, my brain is still working, my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my palate, my skin, my arms as well as my legs are still well performing. I am very thankful, even I don't have money, I hope, I will be able to get through this life, and I will not be an unacceptable person anymore.
Watching TV, SCTV regarding an elderly of 99 years' old, I really admired her, but I don't dare say that I could be like that, spending time for learning something ? Living such a long time with the present condition, in the condition of totally broke, not only that I don't have neither money nor love.
June 1, 2014
I allow myself be free today, because it is Sunday, now. I hope this time is the last time I do on my own will. Starting tomorrow, Monday, June 2, 2014 I must reorganize my life better with hope and wishes. My faith is a rather diminishing. I don't know, wishing gives no more much hope for me, but I will keep on regularizing my own life. I am sorry, I want to accept this life as it is, but it is really very hard for me. These 2 weeks time of May 2014, I hada spoiled myself with laziness. But this condition is not good at all for me, I feel very scarry. I hope I can stop all these now, I want to live normally.
After so many days I only prayed and prayed and beg God to bestowed in physic for my requirement to pay debt, I was waiting and waiting, but in vain. That condition made me discouraged, despair and nearly lost my faith. Without faith I could not maintain good way of living. Yesterday, I was inspired to ask directly to one of my kins, it seemed I got positive reaction, and now, I still wait for the reality.
And... the reality is very nasty.... I am still full of hope, nothing will happen. Ok, I must go on walking, one thing may I have to keep with me, that is shame feeling, I am really sorry my sweet Asih that I failed to return your money, really, I dare not to show up to the folks, it is very embarrasing. I hope I can rectify my whole life now. I will organize all my routine activities, in the morning I go jogging as long as possible. The reason is because I am now totally powerless, I am poor, but I am happy.
Now I must live down-to-earth, The only think I can do now is be positive. I am pennless, how can I live then. When I was back home fom Bandung, I gave all my money to Nurul for enlightening her burden that moment. And since then my bank account was so minimum, I don't have money anymore. I decided to help the landlord in preparing meals for the family. Just very little this help, but I must do it for my own sake. Before my trip to Bandung, I always had my pocket money, that can be spended for daily provisions, though it is only a small part of their requirements. But it's the best way I can do for them now.
Today is Friday, June 6, 2014. To respect the day of Friday, I have indulged myself for about 2 weeks that erratic attitude toward deity services to Allah SWT. I have the intention of stop all these tonight and e beginning this day, I have the intention to do all these correctly and regularly. I surrender my self.
Today, June 7, 2014 I got surprise from Etty. Elle viens de me voir ici. She is my sweet niece, but I don't think to go back to Mas Bintoro family, I am so sorry my beloved bro. For my own sake, it would not be wise enough to go back to them. I appreciate very much what they have been doing to me, and their I wish I will always pray for their prosperous life. I prefer to be here always, and I will use up my mental and physical power here. She gave some money for buying pulsa she said, and I thank her very much. I will keep this money for paying my debt to Asih, I hope I will get some next time, to make this debt paid off.
ope
On June 6, I confessed that I was so negligence in leading my own life, especially in regularizing my routine action, my daily activities. I wish I could start today to put things in order.
I am leading my life as best possible here, I hope, all my faculty do things positively for the benefit of my own. I am so depressed.
July 25, 2014
The first semester of this year passed under some turbulence in my own inner side. I was not allowed to dream, dreaming took me noway and brought nothing in reality, but despair and grim. Praying and went away from life would bring no good at all. To keep in touch with other people seems to be a must, how to make use of all potency's I have will be better. May be I don't have money, it will not matter, I have in my possession of all faculties, I am sound, I can do almost everything by myself, so there will be nothing bad for me.
July 30,2014
This is the moment of Lebaran, I realise that I must comfort myself and try to walk on alone. Since I am not married, so who will care of my existence ? Lebaran this year was on Monday, 28th July 2014. My nephew and his wife & children were out of town (mudik). I did go along with them, because I don't have money, I was nearly unable to pay zakat for my self, and must be ashamed because I could not return the money I owed from Asih, thank God, my sweet niece supplied money to me, so I could pay the debt, and also pay my zakat, it was really making me happy. As I think I will finish, my money is already up, I have nothing, how can I live on ? So far, I only force myself to do something in this house, not so meaningful, so I surrender, I will do my best to make myself useful here, if they don't want me, so what can I do, I can not rotate back to my young life, que sera sera .....
Today, August 9, 2014. in fact I am unacceptable by this now world, but I must keep on being though and patient, shall I go away? Where to?
August 11, 2014,
You must live though and happier, be realistic and enjoy the life to the full
I decided to continue this post, while watching KARMA at ANTV. could take benefit of thie KARMA a lot of. I saw the are so many persons having badluck in life. I felt so disheartened.
Today I tried so many time to login to cimb clicks, I just wonder there must be technical disorder with thia internet banking, I failed to login.
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