IS THIS MY WORLD NOW?
Friday , March 8, 2013
I am now in the brim of proverty in my life, I don't have any activities to support my own daily life, and I don't have money either. Since yesterday, I have asked Surono for money, the kind of thing that I have never done so far, but it saved my life for this moment. At least, I need money for pulse of HP and laptop to the amount Rp. 250 thousand monthly, I remember, when I was visiting a clairvoyance at Batu, Malang, a chinese voodoo, predicting that I would be in a poverty when I passed my fifties, now I have been in the sixties, it seems that the prediction has come true.
I have friends, and for the time being, I can cry out a help to them, I have been thinking of my nephew, asking him to help me with some amount of money to fill into my bank account, I don't know whether he is in a position to do that or not, I mean, does he have money for that, and how much amount he will put it my bank account, I don't know. I don't expect too much for this. At least for this month, I can still meet my pulse requirement. Yesterday, I asked Icun to buy pulse of Rp. 150 thousand, and it is already done, this makes me saved this month.I have never done this to Icun, but it was only a small amount, I think I can return it next time, I really don't want to let this friend down, I hope I can ask her in the days to come. I also think of Wiwiek, if she realizes that I am in need of her help, she can also extend her hand, to give back my money that she used for opening her shop, apart from the amount that I have freely given to her that time, I hope, she is thinking of me now, she has money that can be given to me. But it's okay, her help will be needed by me next month. These 2 friends of mine can save my life for about 3 months' time. I am thinking also of my other nephew, Jinjit's husband, may be he can also spare some money for me, in case I need next time.
If my best nephew can not do anything to me, meaning that he cannot send money to me, it will not matter to me, because this month I have already been saved. Next month, on the time of 100 days memoriam of mbak Wiek's demise, I hope they will be in Surabaya and meet me. At that time, I will try to ask for their help to give some money that I will be able to do anything to make active my life. In fact, I don't want to be a beggar, eventhough to my own family, I want also to savor this kind of life, now. While, I will always be thinking how to continue this life, I will pray that my now landlord will have better luck, so they can always supply me for daily groceries for this house, that's all.
I am destitute now, it's okay, I will enjoy it, because it is really of my destiny. When I was young, I was awashed of luxury, because I waited on my mother, now, it does not matter if I am destitute.
March 13, 2013
Now, it is 1:31 AM, I have been awaked since 23:45 this night. I am staying up until morning and I am going for a walk and to get something for preparing today's food. In fact, I am worrying a lot this time, because I still cannot find the way for working that yield money for supporting myself in the days to come. I think for this month I can survive, I can ask the landlord for household expenditure. Since the beginning of this month I ask Surono to give me money. But they are now also still in problems. They have defaulted so many bills, that make their life seem so hard. Nurul's business is also hard too. It seems that incoming money can't cover this month obligations, they have my hearty sympaties in this respect, I feel sorry for I can't lend them my hands on this time.
I also wonder, is it my end story in the world? I have been too old enough today, it will be impossible for me to enter the world of employment this time, because my age and also my physical strength, and life is principally need money, that I can have it for my own hand and brain. I really don't want to bother all the younger kins in this respect. Oh my God, this note is nearly wiped out unintentionally. Yes, I feel gloomy in fact, my life is gloomy. But I enjoy very much today's life, I can accept myself, I love myself, and I will comfort myself too, I'll make myself happy.
Literally, I have never had my appreciation to my own life, only when I am here and now become destitute, I have myself totally.
I am confused again, but I hope that now I become more wise in facing my present situation. I know, that I will not be able to run away anymore, I must decide that I will live on this place. I know, that I will not be able to make my life better, and do something better for being useful in this life. But be like this, I appreciate it very much.
I may be like this always, but I will do my best to have a miracle in my life, if I can not have this miracle for myself, I wish that this luck can be of this family, I will always pray for this.
My friend, I don't want to worry about anything now. I am living in Surono's family, I love it. I am prepared to live like this always. I don't want to complain anymore. Sure, I can live like this forever, if it is really my destiny, because I have chosen to live alone, have no money and have no children, so I must satisfy myself with everything I have now.
Nurul has wondered why an elderly like me not be religious. She thinks it will be better that I do pray a lot for provisions to be in heaven. I said, I don't really know what heaven is, but I want only to savor my life to the full. If this time is my end period of my life, I wish I could enjoy this today life well. I want to have a good end of my story, I hope I can make myself of use.
March 15, 2013
I am feeling very upset this moment, I don't know why. May be it because I am facing this life will be so flat that I will only be waiting for the end of my life? If so, what is freally wrong with it, I have been willing to walk on this path, I will protect myself, I will make myself happy, I love myself. I want to prove that money will not be so important this time, I will do my best to economise everything now.
Recently I have a lot of words of wisdom in my FB status, I am too much talking, I am trying to have strides, in fact I am now hiding from everybody, I am avoiding everybody here, I will be secluded then. I don't want to grumble anymore, I must accept myself as a whole, I will protect myself totally, I don't want myself hurt anymore. I must make myself to be loved, to be respected. I feel that what I am doing now is not correct, because it can lead my life go asthray, I must rethink and rethink, I may not be outlandished.
Again I want to declare, that I must do resizing, repacking and repositioning so have a good life as I want, not being stranded nor lost in the world of dream. I want to go into social work again, I want to live normally, even in this so little community. Furthermore, I want to have dignity, I want to have love. I may forget a lot of people of yesterday, I may not remember my bad experience last year. Don't be a beggar. Yes, I must redefine myself, my life style, and I will perform a better prayers, for I still want to have improvement in my life.
26/3/2013
In fact I want to write down on FB for updating my status. I want to say like this,
"Dear, my love, I have been here now to be with you, Both of us are very close now. You can always rely on me; on whatever problems, we will face them together, hand in hand. I will always be of your help. Don't worry, we will find out the most suitable way for ourselves, and we hope we will be able to be in the dreaming park, which has a lot of very colourful flowers, and we will be together in stepping up on stairway to the heaven"
This is for myself, but if I am lucky, I will wishper it to someone that I want to compensate the happiness that lost in the past life (If I am lucky enough in thie matter).
I am thinking of my niece's condition, she lives only with her husband. So far her husband does everything himself, alone, for his household matters and for his wife, I am sympathetic to this couple, I have many dreams for him, but I am also powerless now.
Because I find no change in the balance of my bank account, I must ask for money to Jinjit's husband, I said that I needed money of Rp. 250 thousand for buying pulses for my mobile and my laptop.It seemed that my nephew didn't have money, he did not make any transfer to me. For this month I have saved, I asked Dini, and spontaneously she transferred the amount of Rp. 500 thousand, I can return Icun's money to the amount of 150 thousand and to Jinjit's husband to the amount 250, and my money will also go to minimum again. So, for the month of April I must be tricky in spending the money. Let it be..
I am now in the brim of proverty in my life, I don't have any activities to support my own daily life, and I don't have money either. Since yesterday, I have asked Surono for money, the kind of thing that I have never done so far, but it saved my life for this moment. At least, I need money for pulse of HP and laptop to the amount Rp. 250 thousand monthly, I remember, when I was visiting a clairvoyance at Batu, Malang, a chinese voodoo, predicting that I would be in a poverty when I passed my fifties, now I have been in the sixties, it seems that the prediction has come true.
I have friends, and for the time being, I can cry out a help to them, I have been thinking of my nephew, asking him to help me with some amount of money to fill into my bank account, I don't know whether he is in a position to do that or not, I mean, does he have money for that, and how much amount he will put it my bank account, I don't know. I don't expect too much for this. At least for this month, I can still meet my pulse requirement. Yesterday, I asked Icun to buy pulse of Rp. 150 thousand, and it is already done, this makes me saved this month.I have never done this to Icun, but it was only a small amount, I think I can return it next time, I really don't want to let this friend down, I hope I can ask her in the days to come. I also think of Wiwiek, if she realizes that I am in need of her help, she can also extend her hand, to give back my money that she used for opening her shop, apart from the amount that I have freely given to her that time, I hope, she is thinking of me now, she has money that can be given to me. But it's okay, her help will be needed by me next month. These 2 friends of mine can save my life for about 3 months' time. I am thinking also of my other nephew, Jinjit's husband, may be he can also spare some money for me, in case I need next time.
If my best nephew can not do anything to me, meaning that he cannot send money to me, it will not matter to me, because this month I have already been saved. Next month, on the time of 100 days memoriam of mbak Wiek's demise, I hope they will be in Surabaya and meet me. At that time, I will try to ask for their help to give some money that I will be able to do anything to make active my life. In fact, I don't want to be a beggar, eventhough to my own family, I want also to savor this kind of life, now. While, I will always be thinking how to continue this life, I will pray that my now landlord will have better luck, so they can always supply me for daily groceries for this house, that's all.
I am destitute now, it's okay, I will enjoy it, because it is really of my destiny. When I was young, I was awashed of luxury, because I waited on my mother, now, it does not matter if I am destitute.
March 13, 2013
Now, it is 1:31 AM, I have been awaked since 23:45 this night. I am staying up until morning and I am going for a walk and to get something for preparing today's food. In fact, I am worrying a lot this time, because I still cannot find the way for working that yield money for supporting myself in the days to come. I think for this month I can survive, I can ask the landlord for household expenditure. Since the beginning of this month I ask Surono to give me money. But they are now also still in problems. They have defaulted so many bills, that make their life seem so hard. Nurul's business is also hard too. It seems that incoming money can't cover this month obligations, they have my hearty sympaties in this respect, I feel sorry for I can't lend them my hands on this time.
I also wonder, is it my end story in the world? I have been too old enough today, it will be impossible for me to enter the world of employment this time, because my age and also my physical strength, and life is principally need money, that I can have it for my own hand and brain. I really don't want to bother all the younger kins in this respect. Oh my God, this note is nearly wiped out unintentionally. Yes, I feel gloomy in fact, my life is gloomy. But I enjoy very much today's life, I can accept myself, I love myself, and I will comfort myself too, I'll make myself happy.
Literally, I have never had my appreciation to my own life, only when I am here and now become destitute, I have myself totally.
I am confused again, but I hope that now I become more wise in facing my present situation. I know, that I will not be able to run away anymore, I must decide that I will live on this place. I know, that I will not be able to make my life better, and do something better for being useful in this life. But be like this, I appreciate it very much.
I may be like this always, but I will do my best to have a miracle in my life, if I can not have this miracle for myself, I wish that this luck can be of this family, I will always pray for this.
My friend, I don't want to worry about anything now. I am living in Surono's family, I love it. I am prepared to live like this always. I don't want to complain anymore. Sure, I can live like this forever, if it is really my destiny, because I have chosen to live alone, have no money and have no children, so I must satisfy myself with everything I have now.
Nurul has wondered why an elderly like me not be religious. She thinks it will be better that I do pray a lot for provisions to be in heaven. I said, I don't really know what heaven is, but I want only to savor my life to the full. If this time is my end period of my life, I wish I could enjoy this today life well. I want to have a good end of my story, I hope I can make myself of use.
March 15, 2013
I am feeling very upset this moment, I don't know why. May be it because I am facing this life will be so flat that I will only be waiting for the end of my life? If so, what is freally wrong with it, I have been willing to walk on this path, I will protect myself, I will make myself happy, I love myself. I want to prove that money will not be so important this time, I will do my best to economise everything now.
Recently I have a lot of words of wisdom in my FB status, I am too much talking, I am trying to have strides, in fact I am now hiding from everybody, I am avoiding everybody here, I will be secluded then. I don't want to grumble anymore, I must accept myself as a whole, I will protect myself totally, I don't want myself hurt anymore. I must make myself to be loved, to be respected. I feel that what I am doing now is not correct, because it can lead my life go asthray, I must rethink and rethink, I may not be outlandished.
Again I want to declare, that I must do resizing, repacking and repositioning so have a good life as I want, not being stranded nor lost in the world of dream. I want to go into social work again, I want to live normally, even in this so little community. Furthermore, I want to have dignity, I want to have love. I may forget a lot of people of yesterday, I may not remember my bad experience last year. Don't be a beggar. Yes, I must redefine myself, my life style, and I will perform a better prayers, for I still want to have improvement in my life.
26/3/2013
In fact I want to write down on FB for updating my status. I want to say like this,
"Dear, my love, I have been here now to be with you, Both of us are very close now. You can always rely on me; on whatever problems, we will face them together, hand in hand. I will always be of your help. Don't worry, we will find out the most suitable way for ourselves, and we hope we will be able to be in the dreaming park, which has a lot of very colourful flowers, and we will be together in stepping up on stairway to the heaven"
This is for myself, but if I am lucky, I will wishper it to someone that I want to compensate the happiness that lost in the past life (If I am lucky enough in thie matter).
I am thinking of my niece's condition, she lives only with her husband. So far her husband does everything himself, alone, for his household matters and for his wife, I am sympathetic to this couple, I have many dreams for him, but I am also powerless now.
Because I find no change in the balance of my bank account, I must ask for money to Jinjit's husband, I said that I needed money of Rp. 250 thousand for buying pulses for my mobile and my laptop.It seemed that my nephew didn't have money, he did not make any transfer to me. For this month I have saved, I asked Dini, and spontaneously she transferred the amount of Rp. 500 thousand, I can return Icun's money to the amount of 150 thousand and to Jinjit's husband to the amount 250, and my money will also go to minimum again. So, for the month of April I must be tricky in spending the money. Let it be..
Komentar
Posting Komentar